Shrimp Dip: the food we eat before we have our food

If you need an appetizer that’ll impress without the stress, here’s my mother’s Shrimp Dip recipe – perfect for any occasion. She’s been critiquing my interpretation of her recipe for 17 years, but the takeaway for the rest of you, it’s foolproof. And if you’re wondering about the high alcohol content, let’s just say… I don’t do half-measures.

Ingredients

1 (10 oz.) can condensed tomato soup (you know the kind – Andy Warhol painted it, and until they pay me, I’m not mentioning the brand name)
1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese
1 (8 oz.) jar mayonnaise
1 package Knox Gelatin (I mentioned the brand name—sue me; I don’t know any other gelatin companies)
1 cup diced onions
1 cup diced celery
3–5 ounce cans of medium shrimp*
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

Tools

Sharp utility knife
Dinner-size fork (not the salad fork)
Cutting board
Small saucepan
Medium-sized mixing bowl
Can opener
Medium-sized sieve
1.5-quart Tupperware bowl (with bumpable lid)**
1 large wooden spoon
Several shots of the best vodka you have (in your freezer)
1 Beach Boys CD (preferably Pet Sounds)

Directions

Turn on the CD. It had better be Pet Sounds. Don’t argue with me – if Sgt. Pepper didn’t exist, this would have been the greatest album ever made. Brian Wilson went crazy because of it. A character in Doonesbury died while listening to it. I’ll come to your house and hurt you.

Cut your onion and celery into small, diced pieces. I usually don’t care about these things, but since you aren’t going to cook them, cut them fairly evenly and small (those of you suffering from OCD – 6/16 squares). Take your first shot of vodka. Put the onions and celery aside. Contemplate the obsessive nature of musical geniuses (think about how many different drugs Brian must have been doing at the time to name an album Pet Sounds).

Add the cream cheese, mayo, onions, and celery to the bowl and mix thoroughly. (Take a shot or not – your choice.) Heat the soup in a small saucepan over medium heat until just simmering, then remove from the flame. Add the Worcestershire sauce and the gelatin packet to the heated soup and stir vigorously to avoid clumping. This is called “blooming the gelatin.” Stir for about five minutes. Let 100 flowers bloom (my mother proofread this and specifically wanted me to mention that she is not encouraging the advancement of Communism by the making of her shrimp dip. Also she clearly understands the difference between Socialism and Communism. Duly noted mom.)

Add the tomato soup mixture to the cream cheese mixture and combine thoroughly. Congratulate yourself for making it this far and have another shot. Open the cans of shrimp, drain, and briefly rinse them. Add the shrimp to the cheese mixture and fold them in until just combined, trying not to mash them up (and if you do – so what, your mother isn’t going to yell at you). You should be up to the really sad part of the CD – try not to cry into the bowl. If you can’t stop crying, cut your alcohol intake right away.

Transfer the mixture to the Tupperware bowl. Smooth the top and seal. Remember to “burp” the bowl. Giggle to yourself—it’s OK, you burped the bowl. Refrigerate several hours (overnight is preferable).

To serve, remove the dish from the refrigerator. Warm the outside of the bowl to loosen the dip from the sides, then turn it out onto a serving plate. Serve with crackers (my mother prefers Ritz crackers—I like Carr’s. It’s your choice; she’s not your mother).

Enjoy the dip, and remember – share with your friends, not your enemies.

• Three cans of medium-size shrimp equal about a pound of cooked shrimp. If you can’t bring yourself to use canned shrimp, by all means use cooked shrimp. You’ll need to chop them into small pieces (maybe even squirt them with a slice of lemon – again, your mother isn’t looking over your shoulder).

** You can use any resealable container you’d like; Tupperware didn’t pay me a dime.