On July 3, 1969, Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones drowned in his own swimming pool on this date.
Although he was the first Rolling Stone to do so, Mr Jones is just one of millions of people to have drowned in their own swimming pools. As a public service, I have therefore chosen to help American readers prepare for the long holiday weekend with some advice on how not to drown in one’s pool:
1. The easiest way not to drown in your own pool is not to have one. Readers without pools may enhance their safety further by consulting the previous articles: “How Not to Kill Yourself: Don’t Throw Your Toaster into Your Bathtub!” and “How to Cross the Street Without Being Run Over.”
2. If you insist on owning a pool, don’t swim, walk, or nap in its vicinity.
3. Pools don’t drown people: water does. A drained pool is a safe pool. In troubling times like these, it’s also worth noting that empty pools may be put to good use as bunkers or bomb shelters.
4. Avoid the use of electronic equipment while swimming. Today’s multitasking professionals may feel inclined to save time by checking their email or drafting a PowerPoint presentation while taking a few laps, but this can prove ruinous for telecommunications equipment—and, in the case of desktop computers or mainframes, not much better for one’s own health.
5. Wait at least 45 minutes before swimming after ingesting mind-altering substances.
6. Don’t be a rock star. Scientific research has proven that rock stars are seven times more likely than the general population to drown in swimming pools, bathtubs, or pools of their own vomit.
7. Do not attempt to convert the water in your pool to Jell-O. Jell-O is just as deadly as chlorinated water when inhaled, but far more likely to attract insects and vermin. It is one thing to drown in your own pool; it is quite another to drown in your own pool and then be devoured by maggots.
8. Avoid poisonous snakes.
July 3, 1971 –
Kids, apparently even bathtubs are not safe for rock stars.
Jim Morrison was found dead of an apparent heart attack in his Paris apartment bathtub on this date.
That’s what he wants us to think, anyway.
The Haus of Dcaligari 