Festivus for the rest of us
As not to embarrass yourself tonight at your Festivus family gathering, here are the four tenets of the holiday:
The Festivus Pole: During Festivus, an unadorned aluminum pole is displayed. The pole was chosen apparently in opposition to the commercialization of highly decorated Christmas trees, because it is “very low-maintenance,” and also because the holiday’s patron, Frank Costanza, “find[s] tinsel distracting.“
Festivus Dinner: The Festivus dinner menu is flexible, but it should consist of filling, non-holiday comfort food (no turkey, duck, goose, or ham). The televised dinner featured what may have been meatloaf or spaghetti in a red sauce. (Presumably, an entree in a red sauce is more festive.) Kruger took a flask out from his jacket and took a swig; so one might interpret that drinking is optional.
The Airing of Grievances: At the Festivus dinner, each participant tells friends and family of all the instances where they disappointed him or her that year.
The Feats of Strength: The head of the family tests his or her strength against one participant of the head’s choosing. Festivus is not considered over until the head of the family has been pinned to the ground. A participant is allowed to decline to attempt to pin the head of the family only if they have something better to do instead.
Don’t forgot to keep your eye out for the Festivus Miracle. A Festivus Miracle is a frequent if unimpressive miracle. Carrying in all the groceries into the house for Festivus Dinner without tripping or dropping one of the bags could be considered a Festivus Miracle.
A Healthy and Happy Festivus to you and your family.
The Haus of Dcaligari 