Shrimp Dip: The Perfect Appetizer (unless you prefer Swedish Meatballs)

If you need an appetizer that’ll impress without the stress, here’s my mother’s Shrimp Dip recipe—perfect for any occasion. She’s been critiquing my interpretation of her recipe for 16 years, and for the rest of you, it’s foolproof. By the way, if you’re wondering about the high alcohol content, let’s just say… I don’t do half-measures.

Ingredients

1 – 10 oz. can condensed tomato soup (you know that kind – Andy Warhol painted it and until they pay me, I’m not mentioning the brand name.)
1 – 8 oz. package cream cheese
1 – 8 oz. jar of mayonnaise
1 package of Knox Gelatin (I mentioned the brand name, sue me, I don’t know any other gelatin company.)
1 cup diced onions
1 cup diced celery
3 – 5 ounces cans of medium shrimp*
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

Tools

• Sharp utility knife
• Dinner size folk (not the salad folk)
• Cutting board
• Small saucepan
• Medium sized mixing bowl
• Can opener
• Medium sized sieve
• 1.5 quart Tupperware bowl (with bumpable lid)**
• 1 large wooden spoon
• Several shots of the best vodka you have (in your freezer)
• 1 Beach Boys CD (preferably Pet Sounds)

Directions

Turn on the CD. It had better be Pet Sounds. Don’t argue with me – If Sgt Pepper didn’t exist, this would have been the greatest album ever made. Brian Wilson went crazy because of it. A character in Doonesbury died while listening to it. I’ll come to your house and hurt you.

Cut your onion and celery into small dice like pieces. I usually don’t care about these things but since you aren’t going to cook them, cut them fairly evenly and small (those of you suffering from OCD – 6/16 squares.) Take you’re first shot of vodka. Put the onions and celery aside. Contemplate the obsessive nature of musical geniuses (think about how many different drugs Brian must have been doing at the time to name an album Pet Sounds.)

Add the cream cheese, mayo, onions and celery into the bowl and mix thoroughly. (Take a shot or not – your choice.) Heat the soup in small saucepan over a medium flame until just simmering and take off flame. Add the Worcestershire and the gelatin package into the heated soup and stir vigorously (to avoid clumping.) This is called ‘blooming the gelatin‘. Stir for about five minutes. Let 100 flowers bloom (my mother proof read this and specifically wanted me to mention that she is not encouraging the advancement of Communism by the making of her shrimp dip. Duly noted.)

Add the tomato soup into the cream cheese mixture and combine thoroughly. Congratulate yourself that you’ve come this far with the recipe and have another shot. Open the cans of shrimp and drain and briefly rinse shrimp. Add to the cheese mixture and fold shrimp in until just combined, trying not to mash the shrimps up (if you do – so what, your mother isn’t going to yell at you.) You should be up to the really sad part of the CD – try not to cry into the bowl. If you can’t stop crying cut your alcohol intake right away.

Transfer to Tupperware bowl. Smooth the top and seal. Remember to ‘burp‘ the bowl. Giggle to yourself – it’s OK, you burped the bowl. Refrigerate several hours (overnight is preferable.)

To serve, remove the dish from the refrigerator. Warm the outside of the bowl to loosen the dip from the side. Then turn it out onto a serving plate. Serve with crackers (My mother prefers Ritz crackers – I like Carr’s, it’s your choice, she’s not your mother.)

Enjoy the dip, and remember — share with your friends, not your enemies.

* 3 cans of the medium size shrimp equal about a pound of cooked shrimp. If you can’t bring yourself to use canned shrimp – by all means use cooked shrimp. You’ll need to chop the shrimp into small pieces (maybe even squirt them with a slice of lemon – again, your mother isn’t looking over your shoulder.)

** You can use whatever resealable container you’d like, Tupperware didn’t pay me a dime.

Demand Euphoria!